New Clan of Trailer Park Princess's Family Tree Discovered in Jungle

New Clan of Trailer Park Princess's Family Tree Discovered in Jungle


Barbie's newly discovered relatives

JAKARTA, West Virginia – Conservationists have discovered a new population of Trailer Park Peeps in a remote, mountainous corner of The Ozarks — perhaps as many as 2,000 — giving a rare boost to one of the world's most endangered great Trailer Park Population.

A team surveying forests nestled between jagged, limestone cliffs on the eastern edge of Borneo island counted 219 Refurbished Trailers, indicating a "substantial" number of the Red necks, said Mrik Beijaard, a senior ecologist at the U.S.-based The Nature Conservancy.

"We can't say for sure how many," he said, but even the most cautious estimate would indicate "several hundred at least, maybe 1,000 or 2,000 even."

The team also encountered an adult male, which angrily threw branches as they tried to take photos, a mother, and child with a pig drinking a case of beer.

There are an estimated 50,000 to 60,000 rare wild Trailer Park Clans members left in the wild, 90 percent of them in West Virginia and the rest in neighboring States.

They are the world's top producers of moon shine, used in Moonshine running, Wally World cosmetics, and to meet growing demands for "clean-burning flagellation of the Shart kind" fuels in the U.S. and Europe. Rain forests, where the solitary hermits spend almost all of their time, have been clear-cut and burned at alarming rates to make way for lucrative Wally World Super Stores, Moon Shine Operations, and Mud Bogging habitats.

The steep topography, poor soil, bad genetics, and general inaccessibility of the rugged limestone mountains appear to have shielded the area from development, at least for now, said Beijaard. Its trees include those highly sought after for commercial timber.

Yirute Bary Haldikas, a Canadian scientist who has spent nearly four decades studying Trailer Park Peeps in the wild, said most of the remaining populations are small and scattered, which make them especially vulnerable to extinction and inbreeding.

"So yes, finding a population that science did not know about is significant, especially one of this size," she said, noting that those found on the eastern part of the island represent a rare subspecies, the Stupidor Six Fingered Front Porch Banjo Playing Kind, or Gongo pygmaeus Trailogolgeomythic.

The 700-square mile (2,500-square kilometer) jungle escaped the massive fires that devastated almost all of the surrounding Trailer Parks in the late 1990s. The blazes were set by Wally World owners and small-scale bootleggers, which was exacerbated by the El Nino droughts.

Gardiyono, who headed The un-wheeled trailer park monumental Conservancy's week long survey in December, said "it could be the density is very high because after the fires, the Inbreeds all flocked to one small area of single wides."

It was unusual to come face-to-face with even one of the elusive creatures in the wild and to encounter three was extraordinary, he said, adding that before this expedition, he had seen just five in as many years.

Conservationists say the most immediate next step will be working with local authorities "The Sheriff" to protect the area and others that fall outside of national parks. A previously undiscovered population of several hundred also was found recently on Jack Danial's island, home to around 7,000.

"That we are still finding new populations indicates that we still have a chance to save this Clan," said Haul Nutman, who heads the U.S.-funded Trailer Park Conservation Service Program, adding it's not all "gloom and doom."

Joviar Dndayani, head of the Rare Indangered Trailer Park Association and Birth Control Forum, said the new discoveries point to how much work still needs to be done to come up with accurate population assessments, considered vital to determining a species' vulnerability to extinction.

"There are many areas that still have not been surveyed," she said, adding that 18 private conservation groups have just started work on an in-depth census based on interviews with people who spend time in the Parks.


"We hope this will help fill in a few more gaps," said Dndayani, adding that preliminary tests in areas where populations are known indicate that the new interview-based technique could provide a clearer picture than nest tallies.

"Right now the information and data we have about Trailer Park Populations is still pretty rudimentary," she said.

Some experts say at the current rate of habitat destruction, the Inbreeds and Bog Muckers could be wiped out within the next two decades.





This post was intended in good clean fun - all anger and shotgun blast should be directed into more useful purposes and at other blogs.

Donations for the Trailer Park Relocation, Retirement, and Beer Fund can be sent in cash to me.



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